Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.