horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I remember when things only cost an arm.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Well, that should do it
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”