Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grotesque if literal: baby food

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!

Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4