horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!