Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

My humor is broken

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché