Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

they should invent a hydrating liquor

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.