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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
How to make infinite energy.
