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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.