Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

me linking you to my twitter

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

#Caturday

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up