Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
😂😂😂
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The days of good grammer has went
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.