Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

Lmao the reply

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait