Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
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The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.