Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

are they though??

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.