Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.