Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood