Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
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It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully