Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
yea so i messed up lol
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
