Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”

Your move, government.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

sigh

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards