[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
hello pervert is such a strong opener
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?