Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.