Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.