[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
