Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

Anyone really

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.