Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Current mood: Potato

“i am a sweet baby”

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.