Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together