Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Damn he played himself

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

scrabbled eggs

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…