Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

“Why you watching this shit?”

How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.

I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist