[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.