Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Interior design 👌

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.