Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!

Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!

Ugh.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Maths meets science

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time