@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

You Might Also Like

@wolfpupy

making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@ArfMeasures

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

@IslandsJunk

Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.

@ispypanda

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@laffytakky

In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.