“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

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making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.


Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.


OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same


Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.


If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.


[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?


Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know


[After sex]







HER: Never use your Elmo voice again


In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.