making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Win a Canadian marathon by putting a door just before the finish line and having them all wait for you to go through first.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
HER: Never use your Elmo voice again
In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.