Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

me before I type out affect or effect

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.