Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..

Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.