Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not stressed

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out