Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

Seek kebab; not attention

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise