Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope it’s French Onion!

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

[arguing with friend about chemistry]

*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?

Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”