[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
You Might Also Like
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.