I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
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If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
when you push a pull door and the person behind says “you need to pull” aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr