[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire