Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.