Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

Good morning!

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.