Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.