Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

This will never not be funny 😭

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.