Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”