Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

How high do the levels go?

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now