[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you