@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

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@sonictyrant

[pet shop]

Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.

Me: you mean the african large?

Customer: i think it’s a lion.

Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?

Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?

Me: snapping canoe lizard

Customer: i’ll take it

@tristandross

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

@AndyAsAdjective

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@matt___nelson

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

@RumAndReeses

Whew, good thing there’s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we’d be in real trouble.

@outsmartedmommy

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

@idkrethink

Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow