@Darlainky
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
@tweetsbyrocket
[hospital]
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
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@Darlainky
@serenehavoc
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
@CodyLane08
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
@3sunzzz
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
@AsgardianRose
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
@HatfieldAnne
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
@Versacheetos
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
@BallsMcBallski
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
@Matt_The_1st
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
@SuperTeeWhy
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
“Son, when-”
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”