me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

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[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved


Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?


Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.


I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.


*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip


We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows


She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.


Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.


I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.


Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?