@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

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@P_o_n_k

[Praying mantis funeral]

PRIEST: He died doing what he loved

@Kids_kubed

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

@thatdutchperson

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

@pauleggleston

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

@AbbieEvansXO

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

@Cheeseboy22

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@7_Cents

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

@markydoodoo

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?