@tweetsbyrocket
[hospital]
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
@sonictyrant
[pet shop]
Customer: the cat you sold me mauled my other cat.
Me: you mean the african large?
Customer: i think it’s a lion.
Me: *points to aquarium* wanna exchange it?
Customer: isn’t that a crocodile?
Me: snapping canoe lizard
Customer: i’ll take it
@tristandross
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
@AndyAsAdjective
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
@matt___nelson
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
@MaxHooverDotBiz
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
@mattZillaaaa
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
@RumAndReeses
Whew, good thing there’s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we’d be in real trouble.
@outsmartedmommy
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
@truegritrumble
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
@idkrethink
Friend: wyd ?
Me: working
Friend: and wyd after ?
Me : sleeping for work tomorrow