I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again
wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance
me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”