RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”