@tweetsbyrocket

[hospital]

me: [sobbing] the doctor said i’ll never breakdance again

wife: i didn’t know you could breakdance

me: i can’t. jfc are you even listening

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@Darlainky

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

@serenehavoc

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

@CodyLane08

If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@AsgardianRose

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

@HatfieldAnne

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

@Versacheetos

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@Matt_The_1st

I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great

@SuperTeeWhy

[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]

“Son, when-”

*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*

“Know what, we’re good”