Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
my astrological sign is a french fry
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
let’s discuss
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
when mom throws a party…
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?