Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

🤣🤣🤣

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?