Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…

it’s a running joke…

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

My love language is deader than Latin

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window