[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
![]()
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money