Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

When can I start eating bats again.

HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Breaking news:

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!