Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

Me: You should take a bath

Kid: You can’t make me!

Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens

Me: You can’t make me!

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

me watching my own Instagram story

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

They’re on their honeymoon

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what