Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.