Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.