Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

I think my mom just blocked me

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree