Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

Reporter: *ports again*

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31