Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
man: wait
time: no
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
rebranding
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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