Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
![]()
You Might Also Like
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Reporter: *ports again*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
![]()