Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.