Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

How can I say no to this ?

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet