Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
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ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
This hospital has everything
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.