Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.

I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago