Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated