Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

gentlemen, hear me out

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Perfection.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”