Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

rise and shine we got egg

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

[Russian class]

Um, why did I fail this test?

Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…

I knowski.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

“I FIXED IT!”

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Oh, I bet you would be

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.