Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

Something Saturday.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.