Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!