Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.