Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

How to properly lift a body

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.