Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!