host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?