Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-