host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The internet is full of many things
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.