HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right