HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You Might Also Like
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there