HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
You Might Also Like
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I hope they boil the right one.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard