Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Hot hot hot 🥵

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.