host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
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me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah