Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Plumber: I think I found the problem